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Nice Jokes

Husband always insisted on making love in the dark. After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator. She goes balistic, "You impotent bas*ard! How could you lie to me all these years?" Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids....." --------------------------------------------------------------- The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples." ----------------------------------------------------------------- Boy - "dear Santa, for xmas, I would like a baby brother." Santa - "Send me your mother." ------------------------------------------------------------------ Based on statistics, the most used s*xual position among married couples is doggy style - the husband sits and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead. --------------------------------------------------------------------- A boy watches his mum and dad having s*x he ask, "What are you doing ?" His dad replies, "Making you a brother or sister!" Boy say, "Do her doggy style I want a puppy." ---------------------------------------------------------------- A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.” --------------------------------------------------------------- A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh.. well.. ah.. well, I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?" And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up." --------------------------------------------------------------- Their was a camel and elephant, the elephant said to the camel "How come you have your t*ts on your back?" and the camel got offended so he told the elephant "Well why do you have your d*ck on your face?" -------------------------------------------------------------- What did the blonde say when she found she was pregnant? "Is it mine?" --------------------------------------------------------------- Two eggs boiling in a pan. One says, "I've got a huge crack." The other replies, "Stop teasing me, I'm not f*cking hard yet." --------------------------------------------------------------- A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this... Looking for man with these qualifications: - won't beat me up - won't run away from - is great in bed. She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away." So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?" Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?" --------------------------------------------------------------- A man ask his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?" Wife says, "I would take half and leave you". Man says, "Great! I have won a tenner, here a fiver now fuck off!" --------------------------------------------------------------- A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it." ---------------------------------------------------------------- Husband and wife decide to make a password for s*x, they decide on 'washing machine'. Later in bed that night husband says, "Washing machine." Wife replies, "Not tonight darling I have a sore head." Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says, "Washing machine." Husband replies, "To late it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand." --------------------------------------------------------------- Teacher: Name two days of the week that start with "t". Pupil: Today and Tomorrow. -------------------------------------------------------------- I used to play tennis, baseball, basketball and chess, but I stopped after my son broke my playstation. ------------------------------------------------------------- A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that." "Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist." ------------------------------------------------------------------ Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing. --------------------------------------------------------------- A mother was arguing with her teenager and finally she reaches breaking point and blurts out, " I should swallowed you when i had the chance!" ---------------------------------------------------------------

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Muslims and Jesus

10 brief points Christians should know about Muslims and Jesus

1.Muslims love Jesus. We also love Abraham, Moses, and Noah, to name just a few other Prophets Muslims revere. May God's peace be upon all of these great messengers of God.

2.Muslims also love the mother of Jesus, the Virgin Mary. We believe she was a pious and noble woman chosen over all of the women of the world.

3.Muslims believe that Jesus was born miraculously of a virgin mother and no father. His birth is miraculous like the birth of Adam, the first human being, who was created with neither mother nor father.

4.Muslims do not believe that Jesus was the son of God. God is so powerful and self-sufficient that He does not need a son or any kind of partner.

5.In Arabic Bible the name for God is Allah. Therefore all Arab Christian call God Allah as Muslim do as well.

6.Jesus did not die on the cross. Rather, God saved him as his enemies were confused about him. Jesus was taken up by God to Heaven.

7.Jesus is called Isa (pronounced Eesa) in Arabic.

8.Jesus performed miracles by the Will of God, like healing the blind and those with leprosy.

9.Jesus prayed to the same God as all Prophets and we pray to.

10.Jesus will return before the end of the world.